Ever since I graduated from high school I have felt this loneliness I’m still trying to figure out. Yes, obviously I’m not surrounded by a million “friends” anymore and I’m fine with that. I’ve never been that type of person who needs a billion people around them, I’m fine with one or two people who get my humor and views, and I did have a few really great friends but we all got older and most of them went away to school, and I stayed home and go to county, I work full time and I’m in nursing school, I just have a very different life than a lot of them now and I don’t have a lot of people who I can relate too and I miss that. I’m not saying that those people are immature or anything, like yes I grew up fast, and yea I see they party a lot and have fun and I don’t really get a chance too. I’m going to be a nurse in about a year and a half and I missed the whole college experience.. I don’t care about drinking and fucking around but I didn’t get to make any strong relationships. I mean after high school probably my closest friend moved away and that was harder than I thought and I’ve kinda subconsciously not been keeping as strong contact as I should because it’s just hard and I wanted to get over it and I’m realizing that’s not how to handle things. I’m just a cold person to people and to myself as well, I like to just “get over it” and I usually do, but when I actually care about something I don’t know how to handle it and I feel uncomfortable having strong emotions. I think after high school when all my friends went away to college and my friend moved away I really didn’t have a female friend that I was close with and I just would date guys one after another and have really only a relationship with them, but I didn’t even like any of them, and I became promiscuous and at first it was working, and it was thrilling and I felt like I wasn’t wasting my youth anymore living like a fucking single mom, but like 2 years later and I feel even more empty, I don’t want to date anymore because I don’t even know what I want and I can’t handle having guys treat me like shit. The fights I would have with them were out of control and I need to work on my anger and aggression because when I meet the right person I don’t want to be like that. I really underestimated the importance of having a strong female friend in my life and i learned that nothing can quit replace that feeling of comfort and sisterhood. I just feel like in he past I’ve gotten by by telling myself it’s gonna get better and things are going to change, I’ll meet new people and things aren’t changing… I kind of forgot to have fun. I miss joking around about stupid shit and I can’t do that anymore because I’m not close like that to anyone. It’s hard for me to make plans because my parents are strict and up my ass and I just have like ptsd from high school with going out an being a nervous wreck I was going to get in trouble when I get home plus I’m tired from working 50 hours a week. I wish I went away to college but then again I don’t. I like who I am and I have grown into a woman so fast, but there is a part of my life that is missing and I am having trouble figuring out how to fix it. I really think that I need to get my own place and maybe change locations for a little bit.. Financially its a burden, jersey is expensive especially morris county but I mean there are ways I could make it happen, but is it worth it to be working all the time just to live then studying the remaining time for nursing. I just am way overdue for change. I’ve always have a gypsy mentality and it makes me depressed and stir crazy when I’m faced with repetitiveness day in and day out.
when u think u got over ur crush but he gives you like 0.2 attention and it starts all over again
It’s true, a cheater will always be a cheater… take it from a cheater.
- James Carroll, 12/30/2013, Boston Globe